Love and Other Blood Sports
Love and Other Blood Sports
This illustration depicts our hero Jasper Speedicut being wheeled across the Niagara Falls on a moonlight night in a wheelbarrow. In order to escape a spot of bother!
THE SPEEDICUT PAPERS
Book 2 (1848-1857)
LOVE & OTHER BLOOD SPORTS
Edited by Christopher Joll
In Book 2 of The Speedicut Papers, readers are taken on a headlong dash through long forgotten wars starting with the First Schleswig War of 1848, inadvertently started by Speedicut, and ending with the Anglo-Persian War of 1857, in whose origins he also played a major part. In between, Speedicut has uncomfortably close encounters with a well-known Hungarian Count in Berlin and La Dame aux Camellias in Paris, travels to the United States where he is hunted by Pinkerton agents, nearly wrecks the Great Exhibition, contrives that Lord Cardigan catches the pox, is captured by the Russians at the outset of the Crimean War and, on his release, spends time with the notorious Cockney grande horizontale, Cora Pearl…
Paris, Summer 1855
From somewhere outside a gong sounded and one of the servants announced: “Le dîner est prêt”. The doors opened to reveal four completely naked Africans, two men and two women, holding over their heads a huge silver tray on which there appeared to be a veritable mountain of whipped cream. I couldn’t decide whether to look at the darkies, whose oiled bodies and immense male and female assets were gleaming in the candle light, or to focus on the crème chantilly and try and make out what it was covering.
In the centre of the room was a small dining table onto which the pride of the African bush lowered the tray and then took post at its four corners. We all edged forward for a better look. Now that it was at waist height, I could see that the cream was in the form of a naked bint. Just as I was wondering if we were to be handed spoons and invited to dig-in, the pudding started to move and transformed itself into a real woman who sat up, rubbed the milky froth out of her eyes and look around at the goggling crowd.
“’Allo, boys!” she said in a truly terrible mixture of English and French, spoken with a broad Cockney accent, “’ungry pour le dessert, are yer? Allons, get fuckin’ lickin’ or le seule crème yer’ll ’ave will be in yer bleedin’ pantalons…”
Book 2 of The Speedicut Papers continues the first hand account of the life, loves and adventures of Jasper Speedicut: charmer, sexual libertine and reluctant hero. It is also a unique account of events in the British Empire and beyond, comprising a series of linked adventures and anecdotes which, when taken together, comprise a fascinating insight into many of the half remembered or wholly forgotten events of the second half of the 19th century.
“It is a matter of considerable regret to me that The Speedicut Papers were not available when I wrote my History of the English Speaking Peoples.”
Sir Winston S. Churchill
“This book contains a lucid explanation of the Schleswig-Holstein Question to which I had completely forgotten the answer.”
Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston
“I was delighted to discover that, like me, Speedicut has committed every sin in the Decalogue.”
Sir Richard Burton
“Having read this remarkable narrative I would swim the Hellespont to meet the man who wrote it.”
George, 6th Baron Byron
“Speedicut’s adventures in Berlin have given me an idea for a book…”